Shutting the fuck up: A tomboy's guide to a perfect relationship.
You know I've been thinking about why my boyfriend and I are extremely happy and barely have any fights. A friend made a comment to me after me and Jesse spent 20 minutes calling each other whores that "Why can't you guys fight like normal people I mean Jesus christ!"
Here girls I'll give you the big secret to a happy relationship:
SHUT THE FUCK UP ONCE IN AWHILE. Jesus other women make me sick sometimes.
I see you at the mall, I've screamed at you occasionally but I think its time I gave you a little advice book you whores need to read.
#1 You're not special just because you have a vagina.
Just because you don't work on the corner every night doesn't mean you're not a prostitute. Stop whoring yourself out for millions of years of compressed coal and other "organic materials" (Dog shit) . Its the same crap in a different wrapping. I've seen a girl at the mall say to her boyfriend "If you don't buy me this we can't kiss"
Fuck you.
You want that retarded 800$ teddy bear? Get a job.
You want someone to bring you castrated plant genitalia every day?
You sick bitch. If I was guy dating a girl that demanded flowers every week I'd dump your sick ass before my penis ended up on someone elses lawn.
#2 Who the fuck do you think you are?
Stop telling your husband, boyfriend etc what he can do with his money.
ESPECIALLY if you sit on your ass all day eating cheetos and watching your shitty "soaps" (By the way NEWS FLASH: Soap operas aren't real stop watching the horseshit and read a book that doesn't have two people dry humping on the cover.)
"I don't want guns in our house"
Why? Feel threatned? Maybe if you had of came across this sooner your "other half" might not want to put a gun to your head or his.
If you don't have a job don't bitch about how the money is spent.
#3 WOMEN HAVE THE POWER...to be complete bitches.
This feminist shit really gets on my nerves. Once again just because you have a vagina doesn't make you better than everyone else. I had someone sit there and tell me that if my boyfriend doesn't do what I want I shouldn't get in bed with him or let him kiss me because "women have the power to make men do anything". What the hell is wrong with you people honestly? Women want equality my ass. Women want CONTROL. You know they had this problem in the US a hundred years ago..you know what it was called ? SLAVERY.
Stop using your vagina to get what you want or atleast have the guts to admit you're a whore and get out there on the corner and start making your significant other some MONEY.
#4 You want equality? Then stop with the alimony.
What exactly entitles women to half a guys stuff when they get divorced?
What about all the money they spent on your ass to buy you rings and teddy bears ?
I remember in high school my Sociology teacher asked me why I didn't think taking care of kids and being the "wife" entitled the woman to half the mans stuff.
If you're getting DIVORCED why should you still be paying for her retarded ass?
You're trying to get RID of her.
I'm not talking about Child support because well if you made them you can pay for them. But I don't understand why the woman always gets the kids though. Especially since most cases I've seen where the mom gets the kid shes a freaking moron.
I had a friend who his girlfriend was caught throwing her birth control pills in the garbage instead of taking it. She made up some lie and sure enough she went to the doctor a few weeks later and was pregnant. Shouldn't that shit be looked into?
He found out she got pregnant on purpose so he wouldn't leave her...He dumped her immediately. I was amazed that he had the balls to do that.
Which brings me to my next piece of advice:
#5 Your nagging makes him cheat.
Yes I said it. Nothing makes a guy want to screw 50 other chicks more than the fact that you don't trust him. He's either going to do it or he's not. If he does it then he's obviously not worth your time so whats the fucking point in hounding him?
I've been there. I've almost cheated on a boyfriend once and can you guess why?
He was a jealous bastard. It fucking pissed me off that he couldn't trust me. Most of my friends are boys, always have been boys always will be boys. I lost so many friends because I gave a shit about that asshole.
He wasn't worth the angst or the loss of friends.
If you already think he's doing it why shouldn't he?
You're going to accuse him of it either way.
"ONOES I FOUND SOME GIRLS PHONE NUMBER IN HIS POCKET"
Why the fuck were you digging through his shit? No WONDER theres a number in his
pocket. Do you smell his underwear for Cheap JC penny perfume too? Afraid someone else is giving him attention without demanding gold rings and 200 fucking pairs of shoes?
I've gone out places with my male friends and Ive seen them get girls numbers and stash them in their pocket not even thinking about it. Why ? Because he's probably thinking about how you'd fucking kill him if he called that number and he was too busy having a good time to throw it out. You know a good time? That thing he used to have more before he moved in and had to listen to your bitching all the time?
If he cheated on you before and you're still with him you're a hypocrite.
You have the power eh? But you nag nag nag when someone cheats on you instead of moving on with life. Grow some estrogenated balls and come back to reality.
#6 Learn to take criticism and a fucking joke once in awhile.
Guys aren't going to tell you when you're gaining weight because you'd cry your ass off. You KNOW when you're getting fat..If your pants are 15 times tighter than usual you're probably getting fucking fat. Stop asking. I'm not Ms. Self esteem when it comes to weight.. no girl is. If you really care so much about being fat go out and get a job that requires you to MOVE. I was SO skinny when I worked at burger king because I worked my ass off 10 hours a day 5 days a week. I offered to do extra work all the time and I was in great shape. I could eat whatever I wanted and I'd burn it off so fast it wouldnt matter.
I got fatter developing video games and now I have to work my ass off to get rid of it but hey atleast I was sitting on my ass making some money instead of watching "Days of our fucktarded lives" about people who are more fake than John Kerry's injuries in vietnam.
Me and Jesse can sit there and call each other bitches and every other cuss word in the book and not lower our self esteem. It actually helps us feel better when we are stressed. We don't wait till we actually mean it. Guys often mock people to show they like them. Its just the way they are. Joking gets to all of us sometimes but goddamn if he can't say jokingly "You look like a ho" without you locking yourself in the bathroom with a gun to your head you just aren't worth it.
and now for the most important advice:
#7 Shut the fuck up once in awhile.
I can't believe some girls.. they just never shut up.
"HOW COME YOU DON'T BRING ME FLOWERS LIKE JIMMY BRINGS HIS WIFE "
because jimmys wife is a whore. Just like you! Perhaps I should buy you some flowers then maybe you'll let me in your unkempt vagina!
"LETS GAZE INTO EACH OTHERS EYES"
That is so boring...Sorry I love jesse but I can't fucking sit there and stare at him all day. Video games and books are entertaining and hey we can even DO something together.
"WHY DONT WE EVER GO ANYWHERE"
because then the guy has to listen to you beg for those retarded empress rings and how you'd "Totally love him forever" if he got you one. That is until the Super mega ultra empress ring came out. Then he'd be out 3 months pay..again.
"WE NEVER TALK ANYMORE"
Thats because you never shut up on the first 10 dates! You've told him every little thing about yourself and now he's fucking bored. Maybe if you got a little independance and did something instead of watching TV,nagging and wanting to look into his eyes you'd have some stories to tell.
Running online games gives you LOTS of stories to tell. So does having a life outside of TVland.
Get interesting fast or don't expect him to want to hear what you have to say. ESPECIALLY when theres a steeler game on.
Which reminds me:
"YOU CAN'T WATCH SPORTS BECAUSE THEN YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME"
Then you can't watch soaps bitch...Oh wait men can't tell you what to do can they. Sorry I forgot that you're inconsiderate feminist piece of shit.
Well I hope that helped your fucked up relationship. If you thing what I said was wrong well fuck you. I'll see you at the mall and you'll continue to hear me scream "whore" when you're dry humping your boyfriends leg for a shitty empress ring.
Diamonds are forever ..just like your nagging!
(P.S If you only put out for diamonds and flowers don't bitch when he buys porn instead. )
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faeryshivers's journal
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